(Orangutans, Crocodiles, Monkey Antics, and One Very Personal Salmonella Apocalypse)

If someone had told me that my February 2020 holiday would be my last international trip before the world collectively went into house‑arrest, I might have packed differently. Maybe more hand sanitiser. Maybe fewer “I’ll be fine” attitudes. Definitely more electrolytes.

But off I went to Borneo and Malaysia — blissfully unaware, sweating profusely, and ready to meet some wildlife that had absolutely no interest in my survival.

Orangutans: The Ginger Philosophers of the Jungle

The orangutans were majestic, soulful, and deeply unimpressed by my humidity‑induced hair situation. They watched me with the calm wisdom of creatures who know they could out‑climb, out‑swing, and out‑think me without breaking a sweat.

One looked at me like:

“You’re struggling, aren’t you, human?”

Yes. Yes, I was.

Monkeys: Acrobatics, Attitude, and a Very Good Reason

Monkeys in Borneo are adorable — until you realise they’re basically running a high‑stakes obstacle course to avoid becoming crocodile snacks.

To cross the river, they didn’t swim.
They didn’t wade.
They didn’t even consider touching the water.

Nope.
They used ropes.
Actual ropes.
Like tiny, furry action heroes doing jungle acrobatics.

Watching them zip across like Mission Impossible extras while crocodiles lurked below was both impressive and mildly terrifying. The message was clear:

“Touch the water and you die.”

I respected their commitment to survival. I also stayed very, very far from the riverbank.

Crocodiles: The Floating Logs of Doom

Crocodiles in the wild are unsettling because they don’t do anything. They just float there, motionless, like sinister driftwood with teeth.

Every so often, one would blink, and the entire boat would collectively reconsider its life choices.

I tried not to make eye contact whilst whispering Hail Mary’s to myself for good old Catholic protection 😉

Malaysia: Beautiful, Delicious, and then… Revenge

After surviving the wildlife, I thought I was invincible.

Then I reached George Town.

George Town is stunning — colourful streets, incredible food, charming chaos. I ate something (still unknown, still suspicious, maybe eggs at breakfast), and within hours my stomach staged a violent coup.

Salmonella.
The finish of my holiday.

I spent more time in the bathroom than in the UNESCO heritage district. I saw more tiles than temples.

The Flight Home: A Test of Human Endurance

Nothing humbles a person like boarding a long‑haul flight while your digestive system is actively trying to escape your body.

I survived.
Barely.
And then the world shut down, as if the universe said:

“You’ve had enough adventure for now.”

Would I Do It Again? Absolutely.

Despite the monkeys doing rope‑acrobatics to avoid crocodile death traps, despite the humidity, despite the salmonella that nearly ended me — it was unforgettable.

Borneo was wild and magical.
Malaysia was vibrant and delicious (until it wasn’t).
And February 2020 was the last glorious moment before everything changed.